My parents arranged a marriage proposal discussion with the bride’s family just a day before my postgraduation academic project submission. I was shocked and had no words. Later I explained to my parents that I was not ready to think about marriage at the age of 23. But my parents didn’t listen to me. They had decided to do my marriage with that girl only. They were trying to convince me but not listening to me. They did not care about my opinion.
I know I am different and have doubt about my sexuality. With lot of family pressure I said ok. But I was thinking inside how to get clarity about my sexuality. I feared that more problems will happen in family if I am unfit for marriage. I thought to commit suicide. But I felt that was not a good decision. After one month of struggle I decided to tell my parents about my problem. But they were not giving me any chance to discuss my problem.
I went Hyderabad to learn a course but could not concentrate. I didn’t find any chance to escape from marriage. To find more about my sexual orientation, I started remembering my childhood. I felt myself as a girl in my childhood. I surprised number of times when I saw my photos in school functions that “is this my photo?” My neighbours and relatives also commented on me often “God created you wrongly as boy”. In the childhood I didn’t know the difference between girls and boys exactly. I would like to wear girls’ dress when I saw girls’ traditional dresses.
My mother expected girl baby when I born. But that didn’t happen, instead a boy (me) was born. My mother was fine with my feminine behaviour in childhood. Boys in school, tuition and society started calling me as “.5, two in one, feminine” I felt sad and had a thought of ending my life. Sometimes I felt that if I change as girl with operation then no will tease me. But I didn’t have courage to discuss this with my parents.
Time changed things. I concentrated on my studies. I was getting attracted to boys. My voice sounds bit feminine. My classmates and seniors in college never stopped teasing and commenting. My self-confidence was crushed, and the bullying really hurt. Sometimes I was depressed and stressed. I was unable to concentrate on my studies with stress, depression and loneliness. I completed my undergraduate. My physical appearance changed to perfect man, with moustache and beard. I was ok with my body.
I decided to complete my PG studies. I thought to meet a good doctor and psychologist after I settled in job.
Bride’s family asked my mother to fix the marriage date. Luckily, my marriage was canceled with unexpected family drama. I went home from Hyderabad to stay for some time to set my mind right. My happiness was no longer with me. I came to know that my father had another marriage proposal in his mind. I could not attend interviews with depression and stress. Financial problems added fuel to my mental stress. I could not concentrate on the job search. I was facing a lot of problems at home also. I struggled a lot. I started thinking “is there any wrong in my upbringing or any problem in the body, in my psychology or in family relations”. I feared the social stigma, my parents’ reputation, and about my future.
I came to know about Planet Romeo (PR) in 2012. I discussed my sexual orientation with guys whom I met through PR. Most of the guys told that they will marry a girl. I know that I don’t get attracted to girls. Finally, I came to know myself that there is nothing wrong with my sexual orientation. I accepted my sexual orientation. Later I decided to marry a boy. I thought then only my parents would understand me.
I searched in google for gay matrimonial. Later I found one bureau. I gone through that website. Then I came to know about LGBT word. I read more about LGBT in internet. Without lot of fear I decided to come out to my parents. I bought my mother to a temple on Sunday and I came out to her. She was shocked. Next day early morning she asked me “If you don’t get married society will tease you as hijra”. I didn’t care for her words because I have been facing that discrimination since my childhood. But she didn’t know that. After two days I came out to my father also. He was silent and shocked when I was explaining about me. He cried.
Later I searched LGBT supporting groups. Finally, I came to know about Orinam and Good As You. Later I came to Bangalore for job. My parents asked me number of times to get married when I went to home. I told them that don’t ask me again and I never marry a girl.
I asked my parents “If you want to do my marriage then arrange marriage with boy only”.
Slowly they stopped asking for marriage.
I am happy being single present. I am searching for monogamous relationship with a good guy.