Month: April 2020

Beard & Bras

Part 1

Having been singled out and bullied all my life for being effeminate, while I denied it outright from the very beginning, it took a lot of courage to accept that there does live a woman within me. A woman that yearned to come out and breathe! Breathe in the common air. By the time I accepted the truth about myself out loud, I was standing in front of my girlfriend of two years, and now wife, trying to explain it to her, that a part of me wanted to dress and feel beautiful, beautiful like a woman. I am Beard & Bras and this is my story! I began with Buying inexpensive clothes at throwaway prices from Online stores! And it grew, from a baby doll, to shorts, tops and dresses and finally from online shopping to making that dreaded trip to a real store! My wife meanwhile helped me buy my first sports bra! It was a tad tight but gave me a nice shape! Helped me balance out my otherwise manly curves. I’d dress up with whatever I had at home and click photos, but that was it!

Part 2

It did not feel real, dressing up, clicking pictures of myself and changing back again. I wanted to be seen, stared at, complimented, commented, I wanted to be out, in the same air as you! Dressed up like a woman! I wanted it to feel real! It was the first time I confided into a friend other than my wife. She held my hand figuratively and has been the biggest support ever since. The plan was to attend the Mumbai Pride 2019 dressed up hoping that it would be a safe space to start with, and she was to ease my wife into the idea. As luck would have it that turned out to be a working weekend for me and the big plan got scrapped off even before it began! But that, was the real beginning of it all, finding my two pillars of support, and deciding to go all out there.

Part 3

2 months later I was standing at my first public outing dressed up! Without the confidence to show up all dressed up, I changed at the venue itself. Nothing elaborate, a cutesy pink T-shirt and booty shorts from Hill Road, Bandra. But back then, that outfit was me. Stating the rebellion of my soul finally breaking out from the shackles of what was considered normal! My overexcited ass had brought me to the venue about half an hour too early, and in that gap, I was the happy eye candy for the serving staff there. A Five month old beard and those booty shorts together, I never intended to pass off as a girl, I wanted to love myself exactly how I saw myself, dressed up like a pretty girl but no wigs and no makeup. Probably a confluence of both my selves.

Part 4

Image representational

It was ecstatic! My first ever LGBTQ+ party in Bandra, and I couldn’t stop taking pictures of myself, drinking, and dancing like no tomorrow! My first ever Interaction with the world outside, the wonderful accepting non-judgemental world outside, as my true self! For almost the entire evening, I hogged the full-length mirror at the bar! I still remember the compliments I got, how freely I danced all alone for the first time ever in my life! I was out there and happy.

There isn’t the kind of acceptance that was expected

Abhishek Koli

Though I was sexually attracted to men since the age of 12 (6th std) I never quite accepted it completely at a personal level till the age of 26 (year 2007). This was the time when I worked from 6 pm to 2 am and reached home in the wee hours of morning, having nothing to do but surf the internet. This was also the time when we had a laptop and the Internet connectivity at home for the 1st time. I started watching gay porn then and created a pseudo profile to register on Gaydia and Planet Romeo. I was totally unaware about the concept of internet history or the incognito mode; and that is what accidentally outed me to my elder brother while he used the laptop during the day.

 My brother then outed me to one of my aunts who was more like a sister to us. I received an email from my aunt on this pseudo profile which shocked me. Then sighting an opportunity, I was led to our terrace where I first time came out to a family member. Soon, two Marathi movies, (Natrang & Jogva) slightly bordering on queer issues released. After my family watched both these movies, I considered it as the correct opportunity and came out to the rest of my family.

All hell broke loose with comments such as “what could be the cause?”, “How could you do this to us?”, “Was there a fault in our upbringing?”, “What if others come to know about?”, Etc. What followed then was a series of appointments with psychiatrists, counsellors, etc even astrologers and past life regressors. Thankfully most of them gave a positive verdict. Yet, things weren’t simple. An emotional melodrama continued. This was followed by a series of restrictions and surveillances, trying to find out whether I was dating somebody or whether I was watching gay explicit material on the internet, etc. Then questions about which of my friends were gay and questions about the reputation of the family (खानदान कि इज्जत) and finally marriage to a woman. I strongly objected to this and even said that yes! I will get married if I find a guy worthy enough.

More than 12 years have passed now. I stayed strong and didn’t budge under the pressure. Currently, there is a weird status-quo. Now they’ve understood that I’m never going to agree to their proposals and therefore they’ve stopped asking. But unfortunately, there isn’t the kind of acceptance that was expected. Things haven’t been bad but haven’t improved as well.