Tag: gender

Beard & Bras

Part 1

Having been singled out and bullied all my life for being effeminate, while I denied it outright from the very beginning, it took a lot of courage to accept that there does live a woman within me. A woman that yearned to come out and breathe! Breathe in the common air. By the time I accepted the truth about myself out loud, I was standing in front of my girlfriend of two years, and now wife, trying to explain it to her, that a part of me wanted to dress and feel beautiful, beautiful like a woman. I am Beard & Bras and this is my story! I began with Buying inexpensive clothes at throwaway prices from Online stores! And it grew, from a baby doll, to shorts, tops and dresses and finally from online shopping to making that dreaded trip to a real store! My wife meanwhile helped me buy my first sports bra! It was a tad tight but gave me a nice shape! Helped me balance out my otherwise manly curves. I’d dress up with whatever I had at home and click photos, but that was it!

Part 2

It did not feel real, dressing up, clicking pictures of myself and changing back again. I wanted to be seen, stared at, complimented, commented, I wanted to be out, in the same air as you! Dressed up like a woman! I wanted it to feel real! It was the first time I confided into a friend other than my wife. She held my hand figuratively and has been the biggest support ever since. The plan was to attend the Mumbai Pride 2019 dressed up hoping that it would be a safe space to start with, and she was to ease my wife into the idea. As luck would have it that turned out to be a working weekend for me and the big plan got scrapped off even before it began! But that, was the real beginning of it all, finding my two pillars of support, and deciding to go all out there.

Part 3

2 months later I was standing at my first public outing dressed up! Without the confidence to show up all dressed up, I changed at the venue itself. Nothing elaborate, a cutesy pink T-shirt and booty shorts from Hill Road, Bandra. But back then, that outfit was me. Stating the rebellion of my soul finally breaking out from the shackles of what was considered normal! My overexcited ass had brought me to the venue about half an hour too early, and in that gap, I was the happy eye candy for the serving staff there. A Five month old beard and those booty shorts together, I never intended to pass off as a girl, I wanted to love myself exactly how I saw myself, dressed up like a pretty girl but no wigs and no makeup. Probably a confluence of both my selves.

Part 4

Image representational

It was ecstatic! My first ever LGBTQ+ party in Bandra, and I couldn’t stop taking pictures of myself, drinking, and dancing like no tomorrow! My first ever Interaction with the world outside, the wonderful accepting non-judgemental world outside, as my true self! For almost the entire evening, I hogged the full-length mirror at the bar! I still remember the compliments I got, how freely I danced all alone for the first time ever in my life! I was out there and happy.

Tears of exasperation by an effeminate are crushed

There’s someone who does not fear to own up to her trans identity. She is a young and beautiful 20-year-old renowned poet, and a Radio Jockey from Bangalore, Shilok Mukkati.

Her mantra:

“Explore your body and mind, see yourself intensely. It should be that intense that you should find your spirit burning like a sun. As you see yourself, now you are ready to fly away. Fly.”  -Shilok

This is a her first poem which beautifully capturing the duality of her existence , the challenges from the society & family and he hope for tomorrow.

Kinnaras of the Dark World

Look at us, born as sluts, …
BEARING heats of the embargo,
a girl [is] rushed by The tears of compassion,
The tears of exasperation by an effeminate are crushed.

My mother loves me, but never understands me.
As for my Father, I am not the one he wanted.
We are ghastly Speech For the siblings,
Forget the relatives, it’s a Far Speech at all.

My CHILDHOOD was drenched by the rain of molestation,
Hush …! They zipped My Mouth, never opened My abduction,
Here comes the Lover in My sixteens,
But for him it’s only the lust, not love.

Never told the Reality of molestations, exploitations,
Even If I tell, Who’s there to listen to My oppression?
I was chased by the nightmares of shame and abandon,
My Bed is wet with the tears and Blood.

NAMES many do not have even the Gods,
But We Labelled as such it blows are our NAMES,
like The Bloody leeches sucked do have labels,
The labels are as swallowed and curl We do Pythons.

Noose, Bottles of poisons, Pond and Well,
as days rolled as Welcomes Well,
But the Fire is burning in the Heart of femininity,
there is no fault Why should We WHEN die?

Bones in the roasting prison of manly,
womanly I’m burning the Soul,
In the world of Darkness,
Shining With the crown of tears,
I’m the lightening power who rules the hurdles DAWN & dusk.

Neither the masculine sea of dropping seeds,
NOR giving the feminine nature breathes,
I’m Them between the space and peace,
I’m the Guardian Angel of the genderless GENDER hum …

Kinnars as the pages of the Vedas called us,
We are the TWO spirited people the Seas Over,
The Revolution has Come of Kali rushing by,
hear the roaring awaited battle of Equality.

You so called nature’s dear Homo sapiens,
the erroneous JUSTIFICATION To Flood of You,
the stereotypes of hierarchy To Blood & patriarchy,
Real Humanity is … We have Come To teach what.

For the realisation and Recognition & dignity of our existence,
We are Here, The Kinnaras of the dark world …

– SHILOK MUKKATI