Tag: breakup

I was not ready to accept myself

 

When I was seven years old I realized that I’m different from everyone around me. I used to play with my cousins and my sister most of the time at home, I was never interested to play cricket with my classmates the reason being I couldn’t mingle with any of them. I used to like a TV actor and would dream that someday he will come and marry me, then I realized that it will never became a reality because I was told only a man and woman can get married but not two men.

I buried all my thoughts and concentrated on my studies, I used to spend my time reading my books and watching TV soaps with my mom. The confusion again triggered when I started getting attracted to a cousin of mine. In the mean time I got to know one of my close friend since childhood is also different like me but I was not ready to come out to myself, I guess that was the most difficult for me more than to coming out to my parents. I was not ready to accept myself because I’ve never seen anyone like me in my family. I didn’t know whom to talk to, I was scared if my parents would disown me. Having all these thoughts & fears in my mind I used to sleep crying; almost every day.

Few years later when I came to Hyderabad I heard the term GAY for the first time and I started searching for like-minded people. Search started from Orkut and PlanetRomeo (a dating site for men) I thought my dream of getting married to a guy might now be possible. But I never knew it’ll be so very difficult. I was not a conventionally good looking guy and most of the guys I used to talk to were after these so called good looking guys. I felt out of place in my own community where I thought I would find someone who will be with me forever but I was criticized for my dressing, hair and my physique. As I always wanted someone to love me the way I’m, I never gave importance to my looks. I’ve made few best friends (I thought they’re). Later I met few other guys but never got that spark until I met this man who swept me off my feet. I thought he is the man I was waiting for and started dating him. It didn’t last for long, I found that he was cheating on me and I was left heart broken. I spent around a month crying for him and then my mum found out me crying one night and asked me the reason, and then I told her “I had a breakup“. She asked who that girl is and then I said it’s not a girl it’s a boy and told her “I’m Gay”. My mum didn’t understand for few minutes and then my dad came in and I told him as well. The next reaction was “We are with you, don’t worry about it, we will go to a doctor and everything would be fine“.

I really wanted to change I thought I would give my 100% to change. I’ve visited many psychiatrist and psychologist but my problem was not solved. I realized that it can’t be changed and I was depressed. My dad told my uncle about my sexuality and they came to my home and beat me, locked me in a room and called all the people in my phone book and threatened them not to talk to me. I then realized I never made true friends, none of them were there to support me, and none of them tried talking to me. After a month of torture I left home with a person who claimed to love me but my parents traced me and took me back home..

I made it clear to my parents that I will never stay with them if they don’t accept me the way I am. From that day my dad never spoke about my sexuality till now. My mom is pretty much okay with it but never speaks about it and I really want to give them time as I think it’s very difficult for them as well to understand all this. I started concentrating on my career, I started working part time job at Tata services and continued my studies I completed my studies and got placed in a nice company. I started concentrating on my looks, I tried working on myself. People who earlier criticized me for my clothes, now take fashion advice from me. People who said I was not good looking want to sleep with me now. All these things apart my parents are proud of me, my dad says that I made my own career without anyone’s help. My mom is a strong support for me; she was there for me whenever I need her. She always say not to trust anyone and she is scared that I’ll be all alone in my life.

I’ve never lost any of my friends because of my sexuality, I’ve never been discriminated by any of them. I’m 25 years old I’ve made my own decisions how my life should be and I don’t regret any of them. It’s been difficult journey but it made me the person who I’m today. I realized that when you be yourself and love yourself, whole world will love you!

 

My mom expressed her desire to see a Pride walk

Rohit Bairagi

To Parents:

Hyderabad, 2013

I remember it was a warm summer morning. I had a big fight with my then partner and I thought that was the end of the relationship. My best friend was not available over the phone and I wanted to burst out. Being an introvert I really did not have many with whom I can talk freely. I was in pain and suffocating and thus called my mom and told her everything that I wanted to tell her for years. I told her that thing for which I was preparing her for so many years. I said “I am gay and the person, whom I stay with, is just not a good friend of mine but he is my boyfriend for 4 years now. We are in a live in relationship”.

I belong to a suburban lower middle class Bengali joint family with quite conservative thinking. My mom never knew that something like homosexuality even existed. I probably understood about my sexuality when I was in 8–9th standard. When I was around 17, I started educating mom about the topic of homosexuality and alternate sexuality. I used to make her read articles, watch talk shows and take her to movies and theatres which depict homosexuality (In Bengali, there were quite a few films and tele-films which touched the topic of homosexuality without making mockery of gay characters). So by the time I started working she knew about homosexuality and also that I have few friends of mine who are lesbian/gay. The same was conveyed to dad through her.

Coming back to the day, I was extremely scared as I had no idea how my parents would react. But thankfully she consoled me and assured that whatever happened she would always be there beside me. I am her son and I will always be a part of her. She cooled me down and asked me to trust time, it will fix everything. After some time dad called and asked me to listen to Rabindra Sangeet or watch a nice movie and that shall cool me down. Now, that was so unexpected. I kind of expected that my mom would understand but I was absolutely sure that if dad gets to know this he would be super irate which he was not.

Few months later my mom’s health deteriorated and her BP(blood pressure) shot up and I got to learn that she started thinking that I turned gay only after I moved to Hyderabad and started staying with my then partner. He turned me gay. Again, I had to explain her that I was born this way. I reminded her of instances in school and as a kid when I was different from other boys. I educated her about few of my school friends who knew about me. Am not sure if mom spoke to them personally thereafter but she is fine since then. A couple of years back my mom expressed her desire to see a PRIDE walk. She saw pictures and videos but she wanted to witness one. Somehow our timings are not matching. Moreover she stays in Kolkata and I am in Gurgaon. Mom has become a close friend since coming out. We possibly discuss everything under the sun without any inhibition. I have seen my bestie also talking to her more freely.

Image representational

I am partially out to my family. That means I am out only to my parents and not to my relatives. I am 30 now and since I stay away from my hometown my relatives keep asking my parents about my marriage and my parents keep on giving vague excuses to them. Somehow my mom does not want me to tell them about my sexuality because of their conservative nature and lack of understanding. My mom faced the taunts of the family for being the only working woman in our family. So she does not want me to go through a similar trauma. I am still struggling to find a way to deal with this, without hurting my parents as they have always stood by my side.

At Work:

Gurgaon, 2014
I came out to my ex manager on my Birthday. I was little emotional at work after reading my mom’s birthday message wherein she encouraged me to be happy. She was concerned because I recently broke up with my partner and perhaps after 6 years I would be alone on my birthday. My boss noticed that and when asked I told her the reason why. She hugged me tight and told she just wanted me to be happy. “I am super proud that you are in my team. You be yourself and love yourself, I am always there for you” she told.

And that was the starting. I started coming out at work and made so many good friends after that. Some of them are my selfie partners. My boss Rajshree Nair later on encouraged me to go ahead with the PRIDE India chapter at American Express. There were so many times I lost hope coz things are so slow but she kept on motivating me along with my few other peers. One thing I realized in life is that whoever I came out to, they became better friends. The bonding became so strong. So I never repent coming out to anyone. It gives me confidence. It gives me joy and brings a smile on my face….