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If you want to do my marriage then arrange marriage with boy only

My parents arranged a marriage proposal discussion with the bride’s family just a day before my postgraduation academic project submission. I was shocked and had no words. Later I explained to my parents that I was not ready to think about marriage at the age of 23. But my parents didn’t listen to me. They had decided to do my marriage with that girl only. They were trying to convince me but not listening to me. They did not care about my opinion.

I know I am different and have doubt about my sexuality. With lot of family pressure I said ok. But I was thinking inside how to get clarity about my sexuality. I feared that more problems will happen in family if I am unfit for marriage. I thought to commit suicide. But I felt that was not a good decision. After one month of struggle I decided to tell my parents about my problem. But they were not giving me any chance to discuss my problem.

I went Hyderabad to learn a course but could not concentrate. I didn’t find any chance to escape from marriage. To find more about my sexual orientation, I started remembering my childhood. I felt myself as a girl in my childhood. I surprised number of times when I saw my photos in school functions that “is this my photo?” My neighbours and relatives also commented on me often “God created you wrongly as boy”. In the childhood I didn’t know the difference between girls and boys exactly. I would like to wear girls’ dress when I saw girls’ traditional dresses.

My mother expected girl baby when I born. But that didn’t happen, instead a boy (me) was born. My mother was fine with my feminine behaviour in childhood. Boys in school, tuition and society started calling me as “.5, two in one, feminine” I felt sad and had a thought of ending my life. Sometimes I felt that if I change as girl with operation then no will tease me. But I didn’t have courage to discuss this with my parents.

Time changed things. I concentrated on my studies. I was getting attracted to boys. My voice sounds bit feminine. My classmates and seniors in college never stopped teasing and commenting. My self-confidence was crushed, and the bullying really hurt. Sometimes I was depressed and stressed. I was unable to concentrate on my studies with stress, depression and loneliness. I completed my undergraduate. My physical appearance changed to perfect man, with moustache and beard. I was ok with my body.

I decided to complete my PG studies. I thought to meet a good doctor and psychologist after I settled in job.

Bride’s family asked my mother to fix the marriage date. Luckily, my marriage was canceled with unexpected family drama. I went home from Hyderabad to stay for some time to set my mind right. My happiness was no longer with me. I came to know that my father had another marriage proposal in his mind. I could not attend interviews with depression and stress. Financial problems added fuel to my mental stress. I could not concentrate on the job search. I was facing a lot of problems at home also. I struggled a lot. I started thinking “is there any wrong in my upbringing or any problem in the body, in my psychology or in family relations”. I feared the social stigma, my parents’ reputation, and about my future.

I came to know about Planet Romeo (PR) in 2012. I discussed my sexual orientation with guys whom I met through PR. Most of the guys told that they will marry a girl. I know that I don’t get attracted to girls. Finally, I came to know myself that there is nothing wrong with my sexual orientation. I accepted my sexual orientation. Later I decided to marry a boy. I thought then only my parents would understand me.

I searched in google for gay matrimonial. Later I found one bureau. I gone through that website. Then I came to know about LGBT word. I read more about LGBT in internet. Without lot of fear I decided to come out to my parents. I bought my mother to a temple on Sunday and I came out to her. She was shocked. Next day early morning she asked me “If you don’t get married society will tease you as hijra”. I didn’t care for her words because I have been facing that discrimination since my childhood. But she didn’t know that. After two days I came out to my father also. He was silent and shocked when I was explaining about me. He cried.

Later I searched LGBT supporting groups. Finally, I came to know about Orinam and Good As You. Later I came to Bangalore for job. My parents asked me number of times to get married when I went to home. I told them that don’t ask me again and I never marry a girl.

I asked my parents “If you want to do my marriage then arrange marriage with boy only”.

Slowly they stopped asking for marriage.

I am happy being single present. I am searching for monogamous relationship with a good guy.

Beard & Bras

Part 1

Having been singled out and bullied all my life for being effeminate, while I denied it outright from the very beginning, it took a lot of courage to accept that there does live a woman within me. A woman that yearned to come out and breathe! Breathe in the common air. By the time I accepted the truth about myself out loud, I was standing in front of my girlfriend of two years, and now wife, trying to explain it to her, that a part of me wanted to dress and feel beautiful, beautiful like a woman. I am Beard & Bras and this is my story! I began with Buying inexpensive clothes at throwaway prices from Online stores! And it grew, from a baby doll, to shorts, tops and dresses and finally from online shopping to making that dreaded trip to a real store! My wife meanwhile helped me buy my first sports bra! It was a tad tight but gave me a nice shape! Helped me balance out my otherwise manly curves. I’d dress up with whatever I had at home and click photos, but that was it!

Part 2

It did not feel real, dressing up, clicking pictures of myself and changing back again. I wanted to be seen, stared at, complimented, commented, I wanted to be out, in the same air as you! Dressed up like a woman! I wanted it to feel real! It was the first time I confided into a friend other than my wife. She held my hand figuratively and has been the biggest support ever since. The plan was to attend the Mumbai Pride 2019 dressed up hoping that it would be a safe space to start with, and she was to ease my wife into the idea. As luck would have it that turned out to be a working weekend for me and the big plan got scrapped off even before it began! But that, was the real beginning of it all, finding my two pillars of support, and deciding to go all out there.

Part 3

2 months later I was standing at my first public outing dressed up! Without the confidence to show up all dressed up, I changed at the venue itself. Nothing elaborate, a cutesy pink T-shirt and booty shorts from Hill Road, Bandra. But back then, that outfit was me. Stating the rebellion of my soul finally breaking out from the shackles of what was considered normal! My overexcited ass had brought me to the venue about half an hour too early, and in that gap, I was the happy eye candy for the serving staff there. A Five month old beard and those booty shorts together, I never intended to pass off as a girl, I wanted to love myself exactly how I saw myself, dressed up like a pretty girl but no wigs and no makeup. Probably a confluence of both my selves.

Part 4

It was ecstatic! My first ever LGBTQ+ party in Bandra, and I couldn’t stop taking pictures of myself, drinking, and dancing like no tomorrow! My first ever Interaction with the world outside, the wonderful accepting non-judgemental world outside, as my true self! For almost the entire evening, I hogged the full-length mirror at the bar! I still remember the compliments I got, how freely I danced all alone for the first time ever in my life! I was out there and happy.

There isn’t the kind of acceptance that was expected

Abhishek Koli

Though I was sexually attracted to men since the age of 12 (6th std) I never quite accepted it completely at a personal level till the age of 26 (year 2007). This was the time when I worked from 6 pm to 2 am and reached home in the wee hours of morning, having nothing to do but surf the internet. This was also the time when we had a laptop and the Internet connectivity at home for the 1st time. I started watching gay porn then and created a pseudo profile to register on Gaydia and Planet Romeo. I was totally unaware about the concept of internet history or the incognito mode; and that is what accidentally outed me to my elder brother while he used the laptop during the day.

My brother then outed me to one of my aunts who was more like a sister to us. I received an email from my aunt on this pseudo profile which shocked me. Then sighting an opportunity, I was led to our terrace where I first time came out to a family member. Soon, two Marathi movies, (Natrang & Jogva) slightly bordering on queer issues released. After my family watched both these movies, I considered it as the correct opportunity and came out to the rest of my family.

All hell broke loose with comments such as “what could be the cause?”, “How could you do this to us?”, “Was there a fault in our upbringing?”, “What if others come to know about?”, Etc. What followed then was a series of appointments with psychiatrists, counsellors, etc even astrologers and past life regressors. Thankfully most of them gave a positive verdict. Yet, things weren’t simple. An emotional melodrama continued. This was followed by a series of restrictions and surveillances, trying to find out whether I was dating somebody or whether I was watching gay explicit material on the internet, etc. Then questions about which of my friends were gay and questions about the reputation of the family (खानदान कि इज्जत) and finally marriage to a woman. I strongly objected to this and even said that yes! I will get married if I find a guy worthy enough.

More than 12 years have passed now. I stayed strong and didn’t budge under the pressure. Currently, there is a weird status-quo. Now they’ve understood that I’m never going to agree to their proposals and therefore they’ve stopped asking. But unfortunately, there isn’t the kind of acceptance that was expected. Things haven’t been bad but haven’t improved as well.

I felt that I was a girl inside.

Saira

I glanced at my phone. It was 5’o clock in the morning. I kept on lying in bed, with no sign and hope of any sleep. I had not slept all night. 5:30, 5:45, 6:00, 6:15. The stubborn minute hand just refused to move when you wanted it the most. 7’o clock. Finally! Time for my room mate to leave for his exams. Neither of us knew that we won’t be seeing each other for at least a year. Phew! Alone in the room at last.

I glanced at my ravaged left arm. I had been wearing full sleeved t shirts for the past 2 weeks. My room mate had not noticed the anomaly. I don’t remember exactly when and how the blade had become my best friend. I had started depending on my new friend to help me forget all my sorrow, by hurting myself; the irony.

Today was the day. The day of Judgement. There was a chance that I would be accepted wholeheartedly, there was also the slim chance that my parents wouldn’t understand what I was going through and would just claim that I was being silly. The first scenario was an ideal one, the second; not so much.

The hostel was not the right place to come out to my parents. I packed my bags and left for the hotel. The room was already booked. The stage was set. The drama that was to ensue was not for the fainthearted. The clock ticked, and I slowly drifted off to sleep. There was a knock on the door. Had I imagined it? Had I made a mistake by calling my parents all this way to tell something that could potentially destroy them emotionally? I walked to the door timidly, and slowly opened the door. Two faces stared at me, faces that I knew so well, and yet didn’t recognise at all. Two extremely worried faces. My parents’ faces.

We sat on the bed, my mother immediately noticed my arm and started crying uncontrollably. I had never seen her so helpless, so sad in my entire life. It dawned on me that I had definitely made a mistake by calling them here. I should have planned this through. I shouldn’t have made friends with the blade, I shouldn’t have cut myself, so many regrets, so many thoughts, so little time! Finally, my father consoled my mother and we began to talk. I was lying down, with my head on my mother’s lap.

I told them that I felt that I was a girl inside.

I confessed that I had been feeling this way ever since I was 12 years old. I could see the shock on their faces, I could feel the shame burning inside me. But brave as my parents are, they still kept on consoling me, and told me that everything was alright and that they loved me no matter what. A lot of tears were shed during those 60 minutes. And suddenly, everything was back to normal. We were again the family we always were, with our silly jokes. Everything was like the good old days, there was just one difference, at that moment, I felt happy, really happy with all my heart. I felt relieved because an immense burden had been lifted off my chest. We talked a lot that day, I don’t remember us ever being more united as a family than on that particular day.

I just want to tell everyone who is struggling to come out to their parents to learn from the mistakes I made. I also want to tell all of you that parents are a different breed of people. They may sometimes seem distant, but believe me when I say this that they are the most understanding people in the world, and they will accept you for who you are without any qualms.

So don’t worry, come out of that closet you have been hiding in all those years, because people, especially parents in general are good.

Is your workplace ready to welcome LGBTI millenials?

Is your workplace ready to welcome LGBTI millennials?

Hear from K, the newest member of team RISE.

I was sixteen when I first came to the realization that I am genderfluid.

I can still remember the moment–it was early morning, the sun hadn’t risen yet, and the stars were twinkling over the coconut grove outside my window. As I came to the conclusion, a strange sense of relief settled on me. Like the final piece of the puzzle had fit into place.

This sudden lightness, however, lasted only a few days—I had to come out to my family and everyone I cared about—but those details are for another time. Along with the confusion and indecision that accompanied coming out, was the question, “will I ever get a job now?”.

At the time, I was afraid that the answer would be “no”. But as months passed, as I interacted more with communities and people online, I learned of individuals and organization that are making it possible for people from all sections of society to engage in meaningful, dignified employment.
But enough with laying down the context—let’s get to the matter at hand. A few days ago, I contacted the founders of one such organization, called Pride Circle, looking for volunteering opportunities. They asked me for my perspective on an inclusive workplace.

Before I launch into that, however, I must make it clear that I cannot, and do not presume to speak on behalf of the Transgender community. We are all different, our ideas and views molded by our experiences, just like anyone else. That said, I will try to remain as neutral as possible.

The first thing that comes to mind at the mention of an inclusive workplace for trans people is the need for respect. Many cis people assume that it is acceptable to ask us questions they would never dream of asking other cis people. While I understand that they may be innocently curious, invasive personal questions can make trans people uncomfortable, especially in an office setting. Save your queries for a non-professional setting, if you must.

Secondly, in an ideal world, washrooms would not be gendered. I know that this would be nearly impossible to implement, but nonbinary people are often left in a lurch because washrooms are either male or female. Similarly, forms are often marked with only two options in the gender section.

Parental leave, when having a baby, is another issue that becomes a bit complicated when viewed from the trans angle. for instance, some trans men do opt to bear babies. They should have adequate leave to recover and care for the child, just like cis women.

Health insurance is also fairly black-and-white, although that is now changing. Some cis people say that we should mark the gender assigned at birth, because that’s how our bodies function, but it’s not that easy. Trans bodies are different and medical care should be inclusive of that.
Another of my pet nightmares is the scenario in which a trans person makes a mistake at work, as all people are wont to, and suddenly, all trans people are written off as the same. That’s unfair, in simple terms. It also makes work so much more stressful.

Often, it’s the small things that add up, that make work and interaction in general difficult. I believe in the adage ‘live and let live’. Don’t let your biases and prejudices make life uncomfortable for someone else. Just respect other people, its as simple as that.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to inclusive workplaces, but times are most definitely changing, so the future looks very bright and promising.

#genderfluid #workplace #inclusion #trans #millenial

#RiseAndGrow #Jobs #jobfair #recruit

Join the inclusion revolution, upload your resume here : https://resume.thepridecircle.com/

Myra

Myra currently works as a technical colleague in Operation Theater in a major hospital in Hyderabad. Myra, who originally belongs to Nagpur, was born a boy, Vikram. As a transgender woman she faced a lot of bitter and hurtful experiences growing up. But thankfully there was a difference in the case of her mother, who understood her child and was supportive of her.

Due to the society around she advised Myra to move away from home to a different location, where she could pursue her interest in education. She was advised by her mother to do whatever she loved.

For Myra it was a question of what to do after studying for up to 12th standard. She then did a BA in Psychology at CP and Berar College. By nature, Myra, is caring and kind, she is always ready to help at home, the neighbors and friends, this turned her to the medical care of people, this seemed comfortable to the take care of sick & ailing patients. While doing her Operation Theater Technical Assistant course, she made a good impression on the teacher who was impressed by her personality. Looking at her, the teacher advised her to do her nursing course and hence Myra moved to Bangalore. In 2018, after completing a three year nursing course, struggled to find work and was at the receiving end of discrimination because of her gender identity. Myra finally got the opportunity to work in a major hospital in Hyderabad.

The hospital has also given a house to stay and has provided transport facilities.

Myra has become the first transgender woman nurse & technician working in the Operation Theater
in India .

Myra is are very satisfied and happy working in the field of nursing. For her it is an area where there is respect, service and friendship; it is a dream come true for her.

Being a transwoman has nothing to do with her professional field. When she is working, she is just a responsible nurse there. A transgender person’s life is not just limited to singing songs & giving blessings or begging, the world is changing, the society is changing too. And it is time that as transgender people we change too. New paths of the new world are here to take us to our dreams.

A dream of becoming a nurse is complete. Her second dream is of a good partner.

Much more LEGIT, than a tomboy

I’ve had a wild childhood that included short haircuts, bossing other kids around, hitting boys of the same age, roaming around in stereo-typically masculine clothes. That’s how my parents, relatives and other elders labelled me as a tomboy. And the term stuck with me throughout primary school. In high school, when my fellow female batch mates started to discuss boys and vice versa, I found all of it nonsensical and naively thought that I was more mature than them and focused on studies. When I was 13, I fell for a girl in my class. Turns out, I hit puberty late; and when I did, boy did I immediately realize I was Different; realized that I was romantically and sexually attracted to people of the same sex. I started worrying about the future, dreading as to how I would ever be able to share this secret with my parents, losing many friends in the process. My academic progress began to deteriorate. The rowdy kid that I once was, now I slowly began to withdraw, kept to myself, became reserved and unsociable. My music was my only happy place and comfort zone. I practiced on my piano day and night to escape from the constant melancholy.

All my three years as an undergraduate in sound school, I was the only girl in an entire batch of around 70 students. I figured I’d have no problem blending in with other boys as I always thought we were very much alike. But apparently, they didn’t see it that way. Furthermore, I forgot how to behave with and felt awkward around women. After completing my bachelors in mass media from Pune, the 21-year-old me returned to Mumbai and started internships and working freelance on commercial projects in the field of audio, film sound and music- a field that is highly male-dominated. I felt lost and found it difficult to maintain a balance between my professional and personal life surrounded by the constant cliched stereotypes and hackneyed ideas. And that’s when I decided to come out to my parents in June 2017. Guess there’s never a wrong time to do the right thing. I’d always figured that I would do it when I was independent and stable, financially and spiritually. But the emotional burden was too much to handle. Mama and papa, both, were initially shocked, are still apprehensive but supportive, nonetheless. And for that, I’m grateful. My relationship with father, though, has been a bit strenuous since. But I’m patient because I know that as I took so long to accept myself and be courageous enough to tell them my truth, they too will need a while to get used to and accept this fact.

Coming out is a process and not just a one-time thing that happens overnight. A year after I came out to my parents, I understood that gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate entities. I realized that I wasn’t just attracted to women but identified myself (and felt more comfortable) as Transmasculine.

In Feb 2019, I attended my first PRIDE ever in Mumbai and was overwhelmed to see such a diverse and colourful crowd & it was even more amazing to mingle with so many unapologetic, flamboyantly-dressed strangers!

On 6th September 2018, we scrapped IPC Section 377, thus decriminalizing homosexuality in India. Consensual LGBT relationships are now finally acknowledged & Legalised by the law. A positive START for sure, but we STILL have a long way to go with working on issues such as equal marriage, adoption and inheritance, among others, because the society that we currently live in, is still strictly heteronormative.

I belong to a conservative family. My extended family and relatives are not even aware of the LGBT existence. And this is what has prompted me to speak up and share my experience, my story. Not to gain acceptance from people who don’t truly matter to me or to raise debates with people who would adamantly refuse to acknowledge this issue, but for some other closeted kid who’s going through the same dilemma that I was once in. To assure him that It’s Okay. It’s not you but it’s the conservative society that we are currently living in & constantly making efforts to change it for the better!

‘Love is Love.’

“You don’t have to be gay to be a supporter; you just have to be HUMAN.”

Awareness, Diversity and Inclusion is what all of us need to collectively promote.
Encourage Gender Equality, Keep Defying Stereotypes & CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

‘This is the funny thing about growing up.
For years and years, everybody’s desperately afraid. Afraid to be different, you know, in any way.
And then, suddenly, almost overnight, everybody wants to Be Different & to stand out from the crowd.
And that is where WE win.’

Love knows no gender

There is never a single defining moment when you “Come out of the closet”. It’s a journey which starts with self-realization and self-exploration.

So, my story goes something like this, I always knew I was different. I could never conform to the typical stereotype of masculinity, which society rubs on our face without any qualms. In my school days, I was always a quiet chap who preferred reading Enid Blyton than playing soccer. I was more interested in languages and poetry. Art and craft attracted me more than a cricket match. So, from what I can re-collect, it was always an enigma which later translated into self-doubt as to why I do not relate with most guys. What makes me different?

As I grew older, that feeling of disconnect simply kept growing. Childhood can be unforgiving as bullying is something which comes pretty easy, especially when you are different. I became more and more of a loner. I diverted all my attention to just studies as a defense mechanism. Even though I did fairly well in academics, I was not really happy in the true sense. There was this perpetually increasing feeling of being an outcast. And this dates to a decade where there were no apps or social media to connect with people who were like me. So, there was sheer loneliness.

And then came adolescence which is an inner emotional upheaval by default. I found it very strange and confusing to see other boys of my school go all gaga and starry-eyed over girls. However, I never felt any attraction for girls. That time I was not aware that terms such as “homosexuality” or “gay” exist. But a new thing started happening then, which was not a quantum less than a nightmare, and that was the fact that I had started noticing a cute guy in my class. I would blush (which was a shocker then) whenever I had a conversation with him for class assignments. And this marked the onset of my self-exploration. I started researching about this behavior pattern with the limited resources I had then. There used to be no smartphones at that time. I remember going to cyber cafe to browse content related to this behavior and that’s how I became familiar with the nomenclature.

For obvious reasons, I could not find much positive content related to homosexuality in the Indian context. I got into self-denial mode and that initiated my dual life. So, I lived in two worlds. There was this heteronormative world where I had to act straight and then, there was the world I belonged to, but wanted to deny. It’s not easy to fake and it did take a toll on my mind and personality. The two worlds indeed intersected at times and that was nothing less than an “end-of-world” feeling.

Transition from school to college had its own blemishes to carve on my young mind. When you are at home, you are in a very protected sequestered environment. However, when you are in a hostel, things change. That’s the age of sexist jokes and jibes. Unfortunately, homosexuality is used the most for caricature. When you are in a setup which is completely homophobic and there are no similar voices around, it impacts your peace of mind. I was becoming vulnerable and insecure with each passing day. Though I was coming close to accepting my sexuality, the unbecoming need to always wear a facade was growing. Imagine the plight to fake smile at a joke which unintentionally demeans and derogates my identity. I was getting anxious and the angst was growing manyfold.

The inability to relate to your peers and the colossal weight of the “straight” facade to carry, drove me to a dark tunnel where there was not a single ray of light.

Though I was managing my studies well, I dripped into clinical depression and was into anti-depressants. Depression was a major blow to everything, but it did one positive thing. When you are at such a low point, you tend to loose all your inhibitions.

Keep the flag flying coz its #pridemarch. Celebrating #pride with uber cool "I am" tee.Thank you Sameer for this super cute video!#pridemarch #mumbaipride #mumbai #LGBT #lovewins #ally #rainbow #prideflag #mumbaiboys #cute #proud #BeYou #comingout
Posted by District Purple on Sunday, February 3, 2019

I came to terms with my sexuality and made peace with it. That was my coming out to myself.
https://blogs.sap.com/2019/02/13/love-knows-no-gender/

At that time, there was this best friend of mine who was very supportive. He was the first person I came out to. He is my strongest straight ally. I really appreciate the fact that he never feared being tagged as gay because of his close friendship with me.

Time flew, and I completed my education and started my career with SAP. With passing time, I started exploring the community. I was pretty much satisfied with my career. On the personal front, I started meeting people from the community, with lots of reluctance and hesitation. With time, the topic of marriage started popping up at home. My parents wanted me to meet prospects, but I was very clear that I don’t want to live a fake dual life, nor I want to ruin a girl’s life just for the heck of society. When family pressure for marriage became too much, I came out to my parents. Obviously, it was a total shocker for them. My dad almost became insomniac and avoided any discussion initially. But my mom tried her best to understand me. During this tough time, there was this close friend of mine who acted like a shield. Even though we were in different cities, he ensured that he was with me at every moment. Without him, I would have never come out to my parents. He personifies friendship in the true sense. After initial struggles, my parents understood me and tried their best to make peace with it. It’s a new journey for them as well. I feel I am lucky to be blessed with such understanding parents. After parents, I started coming out to my close friends and colleagues. The leadership of my organization was very supportive and that was a big motivation. With acceptance coming my way, I felt better, and it boosted my confidence. As they say, it always takes some bad experiences to finally meet the love of your life. The same happened with me. I found my love in the most unexpected way. Since then, there was no looking back. With him, each moment is sheer celebration. He understands me the way no one ever can.

From the workplace perspective, SAP Diversity & Inclusion team is working actively to create awareness and sensitization around this topic. A lot of work is happening to ensure that SAP workplace is unbiased and does not discriminate based on sexual orientation and gender identity. SAP is offering medical benefit for samesex partners. There is an Ally@SAP group which not only drives initiatives for the community but also acts like a support system wherever needed. The Ally Group provides a private space where people from the community can freely express themselves without their identity being revealed. SAP also has gender neutral restrooms to cater to the diverse gender identity. I am proud to be part of an organization like SAP whose core sentiment lies in the celebration of diversity. I am trying to do my bit for the community together with SAP Diversity & Inclusion team and I am sure that we will accomplish our vision of diversity and inclusion.

With the scrapping of Section 377, a new era has begun for my community. I am glad that India has finally embraced the rainbow with all its colors. I am optimistic about future that gay marriage would be legalized, and I would walk down the aisle with my partner in my own country. We wish that there would be adoption rights soon for gay couples. We both love kids and they would make our family complete. Let’s strive towards creating a better world where people like me would not have to go through tough times because of their sexual orientation.

I had come out to the world but I hadn’t come out to my family.

Many have experienced this and there will be many who plan on doing so. Just waiting for the right moment or the right amount of courage they wish they will have in future. Not a particularly pleasant experience like your first car or first kiss but people do it to be true to people around them. To be accepted for who they are or that’s at least what the aim is…

This one goes back to the time of my school days. I never really knew how to acknowledge or describe this feeling that feeling that was in me since what seemed to be forever because right from the beginning I was fed strictly heteronormative ideals of the society. Throughout my childhood I grew without having these feelings fit into any category or name. I could not discuss them with anyone and as I grew older I could neither fit myself into these feelings nor the heteronormative society I was a part of.

There used to be a time when I was in love and peace. The peace one has when they are in the comfort of their home. I was happy and I was loved. But it did not fade away with time. It was stripped of from me in a turning point of my life and it felt like I was in a state of mental and emotional coma. I could see, hear and touch the world but there was a disconnect between the feelings. All I could do in this hollow body was see, hear and touch. I could not feel. I could only feel that I was hurt. As time passed it got harder. I had lost myself to the tides of time once again, worse than ever but I learnt a lesson. I got up and set my goals to get my own place, to get a job and be independent.

My struggle for coming out was not that easy. It all started almost 4 years ago when I anchored a show that was organized to facilitate transgender rights. It was a big event with extensive media coverage and I was not at all upset about my photos being published in the newspaper. Till that time I had explored my sexuality and gender and was quite comfortable with it. I had come out to the world but I hadn’t come out to my family. Now that I was featured in the newspaper as a part of the community. I was presented with a last opportunity to tell my family the truth and come out to them or they would get to know it anyway. I was scared and nervous but these fears weighed nothing against the fact that my family would feel betrayed if I hadn’t confessed to them this time. It was not even a situation ‘do or die’ but rather a situation ‘do and die’ especially when you are raised in a conservative Islamic family. My parents actively confronted me. I was heavily scolded, not allowed to step out of the house and even my mobile phone was confiscated. They thought that this was the result of some supernatural superstitious powers

My mother on the advice of a fakir baba compelled me to watch burning diyas in evening for 40 days. The fakir assured my family that I will be ‘back to ‘normal’ and get attracted towards women. I was just 19 at the time. In the beginning my mother used to sit beside me to ensure that I did not get distracted. For almost a week she was regular but then I think she got bored and stop accompanying me… Or if she had something else in the mind? I don’t know. I was left by myself. Unlike the light of the Diya that illuminated the fading dusk, the light within me struggled to survive. It was a harsh time. My parents compelled me to do so. After 40 days my parents thought that I was ‘back to normal‘. I was the one who suffered through it and nodded yes to their question of being heteronormative.

Being gay in a conservative Muslim family, Acceptance doesn’t come with ease… Time passed by and this event was virtually forgotten in the sands of time. This continued for almost an year. I was living my life in the closet. Then one fine day as I was scrolling through my FB profile and came across this post related to Delhi pride. I participated and wore a woman’s attire. The next day again my pictures were published by newspaper. Being dressed up like that didn’t mean I was a cross dresser or transgender but it was to break the stereotype that clothing defines our gender and that living in a democratic country we have the right to choice!

My family was outraged seeing my photos in pride events again and forced me to consult a clinical psychiatrist. During my sessions the psychiatrist told me to watch straight porn. I followed up her advice and during the follow up sessions told her how much I enjoyed watching men in those videos. She ignored my words and tried other tricks but nothing happened. After almost six sessions she called up my father and told him that I can’t be ‘cured‘. My father said nothing.

3 months later I graduated. My mother used to keep an eye on me that I didn’t spend too much time with any particular person of the same sex. They thought that I was gay because I had a homosexual friend circle. They planned to keep me away from it all and ‘convert’ me into a heterosexual man so they sent me to Dubai just so that I could get separated from my friend circle. I almost stayed for 6 months over there torn away from my friends, family and from myself. I also had to discontinue my academics too. Then one day I finally decided to take a stand for myself and return back to India. I took refuge in my relative’s home. Meeting again the people from my community and my friends felt like I was now a bird once again set free. As long as I was with them these 6 months of being caged didn’t matter anymore. Having passed this ‘test’ I felt more confident about my sexuality.

Today I am an active member of Lucknow queer committee and whenever I get a platform to convey my feelings, I speak my heart out because it is the time when I get to show the world what I have been through and how I have grown over it rather than listening to all the world had to say about me that needs to be changed. It is the blessed time when I get to open up all those feelings and experiences that have been bottled up for all these years. Sometimes people would accuse me that I did all this to seek attention. To them I say that I did it for myself. I did it because I cannot live a closeted life in fear of being uncovered. I did it for people out there who might have faced or might be facing what I have faced and how I grew up to be immune to that gibberish and set my true priorities. I want to reach out to all of them and tell them that they shouldn’t spend their life thinking they are a shame, not even a slightest bit.

After Coming Out to some, people tried to pull me down and criticized my decision. They told me my life would be ruined in the society and all that shit. However I thought that they deserved to know the real me because they had and have that important place in my life. Though I just don’t understand why our orthodox neighbors and relatives are so much concerned about personal things like these and they spread the word like wild fire. Things started getting into a MAELSTROM, all my fears like losing the people closest to me, not independent enough to earn my living were becoming true. Exactly the opposite had happened. Because I could not come out to people before the orthodox society did my orientation was kept above whatever else I had achieved in my life and people failed to understand the real me.

Today when I look in the mirror, I don’t see a person who has been living a life of secrecy. I see the real me, I see someone who was drowned neck deep in shit but managed to pull himself out with his determination, love and support from friends and family. There are little pieces of shit which get stuck onto me here and there but I do what everyone else does wipe it off without thinking much about it. The best thing one can be is being true to themselves. Till you don’t do that forget changing anything else majority. * CHANGE STARTS FROM WITHIN* self-acceptance is very important because if you hide your real you it will develop into something very dark. Something which can later whip itself out and destroy you from within. Cutting yourself with blade or indulging in substance abuse are not the only form of self-harm. JUST BE STRONG!! BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!! Till you don’t do that forget changing the whole world!

Everyone is special in his own way. Some of you embraced your true self being and are vocal about it to world. I still remember my coming out in my college, a friend asked me, you never told you are from third gender? WELL this is not to offend anyone but the awareness on LGBTQ+ people is so less in INDIA that anyone might get confused with the LGBTQ+ community. Just don’t lose your temper it’s not their fault take deep breath and do collect more information for them for the next time.

For them who think IT’S JUST A PHASE? well it is human psychology that whenever you breaks some bad news to a person the initial reaction will be “denial” well just if some of you don’t know WHO( world health org) has removed the homosexuality as an illness almost 30 years ago.

One of the most asked Question, “How will you face the society” for them I would say THANKS FOR CONCERN!! I know what I have faced so far, I know how I was ridiculed and mocked in school for being effeminate. It doesn’t matter to anyone anymore

I would also like to add about my reconciliation of my faith with my religion too? I am very clear on my religion…

I believe in Allah and I also believe that only Allah has a right to judge me.

Homosexuality is sin in Islam but there are other things too. People feel that being GAY is being an atheist, they might not follow their practices and gain accomplishment in their duties.… But it’s not like that what I believe because of this homophobic attitude like this that because suffering to innocent gay people. It is anti-Islamic but it will also lead to such injustice to those people who wish to pray and perform their daily rituals give charity and feed poor but cannot physically bring themselves to be with opposite sex. No doubt religion is a big part of my life.

If I see now, well I do talk to my family… I continued to actively participate in all queer events be it queer prides, queer flash mobs or queer film fests. All of these events were covered by the media and my photos were prominently featured in dailies and on various websites. My family still hasn’t warmed up to the fact that I am gay and continues to remain distant about my sexuality. But I am okay with that- I want to give them some more time to come to terms with my sexual orientation. There is hush hush around my sexuality. Luckily my siblings are very supportive. They have met with my friends and are quite comfortable with them my parents not talking about it which is understandable. I want to give them some more time. And I am sure that there will come a day when they will accept me for who I am. Time heals everything and I am a great believer of that. “And I am sure that there will be a day when they will say – We still love you for who you ARE…

My mother is my best friend

Namaste ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and people of all ages and genders! Venkatesh here, LGBTQ activist from the City of Joy Kolkata.

Since the age of 17, questions about attraction towards the same gender started playing in my mind. Is it wrong? Is it just a phase? Why am I getting attracted to guys and not girls? All of this kept revolving in my mind.

Back then, I was not aware of the term “homosexuality”. But at that age, internet access was very new to me, and I started utilizing it and browsing up on more regarding these questions. After several days of browsing, I realized my attraction towards the same gender was nothing abnormal. It’s very natural but many people just think it’s abnormal. I slowly started meeting guys from social networking sites who had the same feelings as I do. But a year later, things got a little complicated when my mother asked me “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

My mother is my best friend, she always has been. I share everything with her. But this was something different. I asked her why she asking about a girlfriend. She replied,” You always mention the names of boys when you go out, and I have never heard a single girl’s name. Are you gay?”

I was terrified that if I had told her about my orientation, she would react badly. I tried to change the topic. I was not sure if I was gay or bisexual, back then. I needed time too before I could come out to her. My mother used to ask me this same question once in a month or two. And when I was 20 years old, and pretty sure about my orientation, the day she asked me again, I replied “Yes, I am gay.”

It was pin drop silence then. I thought the silence would lead to a major explosion. Then, after couple of minutes, my Mom said, “I knew about you but I just wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth.” That day I felt I was on the top of the world. A few days later, I asked her if Dad knew about my orientation. She did not reply immediately, but later she said she had discussed it with him. Dad is a very calm and reserved person. He rarely converses. He follows the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. Even though he doesn’t say it, he is aware of everything.

At the age of 21, I first attended a public LGBTQ Event called “Queer Hugs” in Kolkata organized by the online group Harmless Hugs, and it was a turning point in my life. There, I met many individuals who became good friends later on and are still in my life. After that, I began attending all the LGBTQ events in the city. My mother too walks in Prides too, she’s done a total of three, as well as marching on March 31, International Transgender Visibility Day. She has been honored and felicitated for the tremendous support by the Association for Transgender/Hijra in Bengal on April 15th, 2018.

During my journey, I slowly started moving towards activism. Till date, I am not associated with any organization, because I work for the community as an individual—an independent LGBTQ Activist.

I believe the first torture of queer people begins at our own homes. When you have such a supportive family especially mother, you are really blessed. It has been an amazing journey till date travelling across India for so many Prides, and meeting such beautiful souls on the way. None of this would have been possible without having such positive people around me, and most importantly the blessings and support of parents who accept me the way I am.